End the Cycle of Abuse – For Good
Authors Charlie Donaldson and his co-authors uncover a proven action plan that violent men can use to change their behavior.
Filled with insightful questionnaires and actual case histories, the essential how-to book Stop Hurting the Woman You Love, will help end abusive patterns in favor of healthier, happier relationships.
To fellow health professionals and clergy:
You know that domestic abuse is all too common, but you’re not sure where to begin. Perhaps you have an odd feeling about some of the dynamics a couple is engaged in, but is it really abusive? You know that working on ‘active listening’ and understanding the ‘five love languages’ are not going to be enough for this couple. You realize that you’re working with an abusive man, and maybe you shouldn’t even be doing couple counseling. Stop Hurting will help you identify abusive and controlling relationship dynamics and understand how men get to be that way. You will read how Charlie and Randy have created a treatment approach with men that successfully intervenes in their beliefs, and emotional and behavior processes to facilitate growth and change.
- Read me first
You realize your life is like driving in traffic: gridlocked. You remember that you’ve been abusive to your partner and you know it’s not OK, but you haven’t found a better way. The Introduction gives suggestions for reading this book , as well as some commitments we ask of you so you get the most out of it.
- It Started So Well
Then, something happened. That something is you. No one begins a relationship with the intention of creating an abusive dynamic. This chapter helps you make sense of how things went from a ‘dream come true’ to a nightmare. Most importantly, it offers inspiration and hope.
- The Time-Out: Avoiding Violence Now
You’ve known things needed to change for a while now. You also know these changes won’t happen overnight, and you’re committed to the process. But what do you do in the meantime? What do you do to stop the violence NOW? Learn how to use fast-acting self interventions like the Time Out and the TEMPER Technique to stop the violence before it starts.
- Five Lies That Ruin Lives
The bottom line is this: You life hasn’t been going well because your relationship with your partner or girlfriend is rocky. Perhaps you’re not in a relationship at all because you’ve been abusive in the past. You might be having trouble in other areas such as work. Learn how distorted thinking can create havoc in your life. Then learn how to stop this thinking and move toward more harmonious relationships.
- How Did I Get This Way? – The Trap
Learn how the way we socialize men in our culture has contributed to the problem of domestic abuse. Concepts like “The Man in the Box” and “Just a Girl” illustrate with great clarity how these social expectations leave many men without the necessary foundations for healthy intimate relationships. Learn how to move past the unhealthy lessons you have been taught and move toward a healthier and more satisfying personal life.
- The Dynamics of Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse is a complicated and multi-layered issue. With the help of insightful tools like the Dynamics of Domestic Abuse Wheel and checklists that give you valuable insight into your own actions and behaviors, you will begin to understand on a much deeper level what exactly domestic abuse is, how it damages your relationships, and how it hurts the woman you love.
- What Kind of Man Am I?
Take the “What Kind of Man Am I” questionnaire to better understand your own personality and your own cycles of control and abuse. Learn about six different abusive patters and gain crucial insight into areas such as the core fear and purpose of control, triggers and tactics used with different patterns, and what your partner is experiencing. Then learn what you need to work on to become a better partner and a better man.
- Anything But Feelings
Many men in our society are taught that having feelings like hurt, fear, and vulnerability make you less of a man. This training can leave a man with many problems and roadblocks to intimacy. Learn how your training as a man has compromised your emotional growth. Your emotional poverty may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility (and your right) to change and grow.
- Missing Links: Empathy and Accountability
Learn how a lack of empathy and accountability robs you of personal control over your own life leaving you at risk of hurting others. Hear about how a lack of empathy and accountability has affected other men’s ability to positively change. View the practical and easy-to-follow diagram, the Cycle of Abusive Behavior and Consequences to better understand how empathy and accountability impact your relationships.
- Sons and Daughters
Domestic abuse affects children. Even if the children themselves are not being abused, witnessing domestic abuse leaves scars, too. Between Chapters One and Eight, you learned that domestic abuse is not just about physical violence. Domestic abuse is any action or behavior that is used to manipulate and control your partner. Your children exist inescapably within these dynamics. In this Chapter, Randy and Charlie offer the inspiring and supportive insight and encouragement you need to stop the denial and stop the cycle of abuse.
- Loving Relationships
Now the good news… With courage and determination, you’ve made it through Chapters One through Nine. You know what you are doing wrong and what needs to change. You know what a healthy relationship isn’t. In this chapter you begin to take a look at what a healthy relationship is. Gain insight into how to put love into your relationship, building your partner’s self esteem and creating a high ratio of positive interactions.
- Steps to Recovery
Power and control can be a nasty and damaging addiction. Learn what that addictive pattern looks like so you can face it head on – and win. Benefit from Charlie and Randy’s practical assistance and advice on relapse prevention, such as life change and replacement activities for controlling behavior, risk reduction, and an emergency plan to help ensure your success.
Any recovery has roadblocks, and recovery from your cycles of control and abuse are no exception. Learn how other addictions such as sex, drugs and alcohol undermine the recovery from your controlling behaviors.
- The Continuing Journey
You’re at the end of the book. Much to your surprise, you discover that this is not the end of your journey, but the beginning. It is the beginning of a new life with new possibilities. Now you understand what needs to change, and you are willing to ask for help. This chapter offers advice on how to ask for help and how to find a therapist that is right for you. Read stories of other men, just like you, who have stepped up to the task and set out onto the road of success. Finally, a word of encouragement and hope for the journey ahead.